Choosing
Is motherhood a choice?
In Mexico, Sandra Bello proudly declares that she does not ever want to become a mother and defines herself as a woman in other ways. Contrary to popular beliefs, she writes, “my uterus is not a ticking time bomb.”
In San Francisco, Sarah Windels discovers she is accidentally pregnant, disrupting all her plans to pursue her dream career as a photographer. After many sleepless nights, she decides to keep the baby, resolute in her determination to combine motherhood with her professional dreams.
In the film “Plum Flower,” a mother in China is told by her family that she needs to kill her newborn baby girl. She takes the baby into the woods with a vial of poison, and has to decide whether to kill her helpless daughter.
In an age where women have more and more success in the career world, does society still determine our worth by our ability to bear kids? Is it a good thing that modern medicine now allows women to push motherhood into their late thirties and early forties? How much control SHOULD we have over whether and when we become mothers?
Join the conversation.
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As a woman, I have chosen to make of my world a place where I can decide for myself. I don’t reject the nature of my being, but I want to live my womanhood without it necessarily implying motherhood. I believe I can live alternate experiences of creating and nourishing life, and I believe other women of my generation feel the same way.
I invite you to join this conversation and share your thoughts and experiences on choosing to experience alternate motherhoods.
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Posted on Monday, April 23, 2007 7:46 AM
As a little girl I wanted to have children, but as I grew older I knew I wanted to have a career first. When I got pregnant at 20 I just knew I was stuck in a "situation" but when my son was born I don't think I could have had a happier day, I am still planning on having my career, but I am a mom first and foremost. I think society doesn't measure our worth by having kids but by how well we do for ourselves with kids and with a career. I do however believe we should plan the pregnancy as well as the career. Whether you chose motherhood or not it doesn't make you less of a woman. We are all women strong and proud of our decisions. |
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Posted on Monday, April 23, 2007 12:14 AM
Reading this broad spectrum of comments and opinions makes me believe that in many cultures motherhood indeed is a choice... I gave birth to a daughter in January 2007 and consider myself to have made that decision under "free" circumstances. My situation of being a mother in a "Western", "civilized" culture provides alot of "freedom" professionally, econimically, healthwise, etc. Hence one might say my choice of having a child was based on a pure curiosity or desire to find out how it is to give birth to and raise a child. Yet, what is that desire anyway? How many and what kind of aspects have influenced this desire and therefor my choice? Do we really have a choice? I don't know... What do you think?
Well, all I can say is, I love my daughter like crazy! |
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Posted on Sunday, April 22, 2007 6:14 AM
Definitely an extra mouth to feed and loss of sleep as Nasra said. A lot of sacrifice on our side...no night outing, no indecent act in front of your children, always be good example, and the best is the changes of the body. But then, who cares? Our children are our joy and love. We women are very special as only we can give birth and breastfeed the babies. To all women, enjoy your motherhood and try to appreciate every single thing that you do with your children.... |
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Posted on Wednesday, April 18, 2007 9:30 AM
Is motherhood a choice?
To tell you the truth I am not the right person to answer this question because I have just had a baby less than two months ago plus I have a son who will be seven soon.
In my community women are either somebody's daughter, sister, wife or mother. I remember my youngest brother who is like 5 years my junior had 3 kids before I got married and he kept joking that I was going grey before having a first born.
The other thing I would like to say is the biological clock ticks both for men and women as science has recently proved it might not go at the same pace but ticking it is. Where I come from children are a sense of security in old age, a sense of pride and manpower. This is because we base our life in the clan, this means we do stuff together, we help each other and we don't worry about bank accounts and insurances. No wonder then if you don't have a kid you worry you might not have anyone to take care of you when you are old and have no more strength to take care of yourself!
I am a religious person and I believe God has given us choices in everything, to follow the path we feel or think is best for us in this life. Having said that then motherhood and fatherhood for that matter like all the other things in life are a choice a person has to make and one should not feel pressured in fact it should at one's pleasure.
Childbirth is not a joke and though babies are a bundle of joy they also come with lots of other side effects like loss of sleep, an extra mouth to feed and body to clothe it is a decision of a life time and needs a lot of considerations.
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Posted on Wednesday, April 18, 2007 3:41 AM
When I imagine an ideal world, I imagine that every woman in it has a choice when it comes to motherhood - those who want it, and also those who don't. I imagine society supporting these choices, both by accepting them as personal, individual decisions, and by smoothing the way legally, financially, and practically for those whose paths towards (or away from) motherhood don't fit the traditional view.
I love the way modern medicine is starting to open up more choices, and only wish it were more widely available. I would, however, caution women to take their choices seriously - the miracle of delayed motherhood is too widely preached. Nature doesn't give as many second chances as some would have you believe.
Bea |
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Posted on Tuesday, April 17, 2007 9:54 AM
Jenny - excellent! i don't have kids, but i love children - not by my own choice, but i have always lived in the harmony with myself, because i spent my spare time well. the most hard ever was to me to experience women, even my former girlfriends discriminating other women. it still hurst when i see a young woman in the Netherlands walking a few days baby in a crowd even if embraced without a protection on a small head, ears, nose. after three months at home they rush gladly back to the full time jobs. they seem to be afraid to loose their men, fathers, and speak openely of jealousy towards thin women, while not being scared of the multiple pollution (noise, air, unpleasant smells) to would hurt the little helpless creatures.
i favour young mothers social isolation just like it is done in a traditional environment. young mothers cannot be aware of the reality if they confess themselves that to have a baby is HEAVENLY.? we live on Earth and the adults rule it. many of these are incapable even when well educated. also this why there are wars!
why so? keep the babies safe from the rest of the world until they need to be served by the breasts and well protected to grwo healthy. it shall also last longer if mothers are away from the stress. ENJOY YOUR BABY, MUMMY, as well as you have enjoyed the sex and don't feel shamed that it was so, but respect others who choose differently.
agreed, Jenny? you are absolutely right. i have met quite a lot of westerns who are addicts, mentaly dependent, and have had several children shamelessly. this is why Islam is alright, when careful with the mercy. it may go wrong easily when a person is blindly forgiven for every sin. yes, Shazada, good thoughts, and the sollutions aren't easy. those who have earned advantages try again by the same manner applied. i cry of women and gold, but there is Aluminium and other "our daily" metals contended of even more sacrifices, but not so obviously.
"the best pearls grow slowly deep down in the transparent sea" |
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Posted on Tuesday, April 17, 2007 7:39 AM
I think that men who tell the world how women are supposed to behave, think, react and act, feel and what women are capable of accomplishing should keep their silence and relish in that silence because women are very capable of knowing where their destiny lie. Motherhood is not the ultimate purpose of being a woman and it certainly isn't being second class citizens in their own homes and countries. Most men adore and respect their mothers but they can't offer their wives the same thing. If they did, the rates of divorces and separations all over the world wouldn't be this high. Men who cannot respect the inherent rights of women to have active brains should not even consider getting married. If some men think that women should be "domesticated" and stay home, not work and just slave all day in front of the stove - these men should not get married as well. We don't live in the dark ages anymore. Women have rights and we are asserting those rights and if somebody said women's bodies are just there to fertilize this world - isn't that just a bit too machismo of that person? That all women are good for is to have babies and keep the home clean and orderly? Maybe its the mindset as well. Because if this person implied that's all women are good for, then I shall say thank you because it only means that men are so inept around the house, useless as homemakers and utterly ignorant of how important women are in general. This generation would not be here if women during the 60s to 80s decided not to have kids. |
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Posted on Tuesday, April 17, 2007 7:24 AM
Motherhood is supposed to be a choice made by Women and not by their families, husbands, partners because it is the women who bear the child who suffers in more ways than one. Motherhood and the role of women glamorized as being a noble contribution to the world is so over-rated. Society identifies motherhood as a completed circle of life for women, how about those who cannot bear children? Does society say they are not complete? Who is society to tell women if we are "complete" or not? Motherhood should be a choice. People who enjoy getting pregnant should be commended for their choices but those who do not choose to be pregnant and those who cannot bear children should not be branded as "less than ideal" or "incomplete".It is unkind and incompassionate. How can one become a "good" mother to a child given to her by a rapist or worse, by her own father or brother, uncle even grandfather? How can one be a "good mother" if her pregnancy was an "accident" or something they didn't plan on? How can one be a "good" mother if she has to support herself and the child as well since the father left them for someone else because he didn't want a child? Choices such as these should have clear-cut options for those who do not want to have a child made out of unconventional circumstances. Not all countries allow abortion, not all countries allow easy adoption as well. Not all governments support population control programs and not all religions care about the welfare of the very person who carries that baby - wanted or unwanted. Society should be kinder to those who choose the hardest job on earth - being a mother - and not say "she's just a housewife who stays home doing nothing." I'd like to see any man juggle three kids and housechores and still be sane and keep the home clean, healthy and straight for him to come home to. Anyone who thinks stay home mothers have nothing better to do all day should stay home and let us mothers take on high paying jobs. Maybe if women ruled a greater percent of this planet, it wouldn't be in the mess it's in right now. |
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Posted on Monday, April 16, 2007 4:51 AM
i don't quite understand what mr. Sher tells about, but he hasn't persuaded me to would be very well acquainted with the "women's world". what is the reason that for? has the ife kept the rope short or is the wife kept isolated from the reality.
just to lay at your heart, mr., there is no woman, who is defined by NOT TO WOULD bear a child regardless a reason. that happens! what men could do better is to would contribute and explore the reasons better by protecting women in more vulnerable positions from becomeing harmed by other women that suppose as all thelogic of rights belongs merely to the prescribed motherhood.
can you imagine how many children died at an early stage of life, were aborted, because of not being desired, but also how many children are brought to the world just out of a habit and indolency due to prohibitions of contraception, due to superstition and threatened by the family morality .. due to violation of rights of women to make a choice and handle with our bodies accordingly with the naturally inhereted sensibility of ours. you, men, even take the right of ours when to decide about in intercourse suitable to your needs. what about our needs?
please, be simple, mister, and try to elaborate what a man's view is instead of giving a superficial reinterpretation what is supposed to be "done" by women.
there is no pride in birth control, but it is important. and it ought to be well respected when at last there have been attempts started that at least few women as it has become obvious in this conversation, tr to make the reproduction more rational.
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Posted on Friday, April 13, 2007 5:13 PM
The health of Women whether during pregnancy or incase of women choosing to live in chastity, or in special cases where women adopt a middle way, like living alone and having occasional sex too ,and probably that is now a western standard humour but in Asia a calculable loss .
However a critereon hath been settled that certian amount of activity of the reproduction quality is necessary or the women is living in sacrifice. When forwork sake a certian lady or like Sandra Bello is put off from the idea of bringing babies but at same time wants to face the world boldly .this is outcome from the pops age when lot of sexual and family difference of opinion was discussed and openly. New elationships like'living together' and having babies out of wedlock 'was commonly supported but again when the ironsmith will proudly it the rolling rice with his hammer the rice will not return and poverty will grow then there will be centuries of struggle to bring the wheel back.But the pops achieved the principle victory of freedoms and realisation of rights which many of new generation take for gauranteed pass without noticeing today as how much went into them for us to realise some duty..............The role of modren women's body will remain fertilising for mankind and population but the role of mind is beautification and creating orderliness...... |
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Posted on Thursday, April 12, 2007 10:05 PM
Women should not be expected to be pregnant and get married. I saw how my mother devoted her life to making her husband happy. She waited hand and foot on him. And it this this is something my generation should change. As women we shouldn't feel that we are nothing without a man. I see this all the time in my society. I don't plan on ever getting married and I will definitely never serve any man like my mother has. And I will never devote my life to a child. It's a choice I've made for myself. I live for me and only me. |
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Posted on Wednesday, April 11, 2007 8:46 AM
I don't think it's right that a woman should be judged as less of who she is because she is not a mother: You are first a woman before you are anything else. I believe in children; I believe in motherhood but, I also believe that the woman should also be celebrated for her very essence with or without being a mother. |
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Posted on Tuesday, April 10, 2007 10:59 AM
I feel this generation of women who has gathered in this conversation is one that lives a dual self. We know ourselves to be natural beings, perceiving in our body the cycle that is life; while at the same time knowing ourselves to be social beings, and to be able to live with others, as a society, we need to recognize and act on and about our natural, human rights. That, to me, is duality, and I think our biggest struggle as a generation is to find the balance in the dual beings that we are. |
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Posted on Monday, April 09, 2007 2:46 AM
motherhood.... what a joyous gift .... what a painful burden. |
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Posted on Monday, April 09, 2007 2:28 AM
I agree that motherhood is a choice of oneself. If one is not ready to be a mother, then better not. If not the child will be the victim of abuse and abandon. Never say that we the women, are the machine to produce children. It is a lifetime experience to give birth and only women can experience it. God has created us so special, to be able to have another soul in us where men can't. |
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Posted on Friday, April 06, 2007 10:34 AM
I agree with Liliana Zutic, when our human rights it allows us to choose, we should make the best decition of us, the best for our life, what our heart says, never, never we should listen the people who thinks we are a machine of children.
The motherhood, I believe with all my strenght, is a choice of ourselves. In many countries this right is not respected, but, we should fight for it. My motherhood is a choice, when i am ready to be a mother, maybe i wil can, but, now, I don´t want it, ahd its my right, for the children rights too.
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Posted on Thursday, April 05, 2007 11:34 AM
I come from Serbia,in the Balkans.As for a question of motherhood I totally think is cool to become a mother when a woman feel like .Not before, just cause some people tell her to, or not later , but only and when she is up to it. Then , we would not have so many bad "mothers" leaving their babies in the trash cans or gasoline stations or God know where, abonding their babies all over.Unfortunatelly , these things happen more in the developed countries then in the developing ,statistics prove it. Women in my country are rather lucky and free to decide what to do about motherhood.We never had a big problem with abortion like many of u have even in this 21st century.So, ladies let get together and work together on the important issues . I wish can do more to tackle big issues un my country. How to do it ? Help me .
I'll be awaiting your reply
Lilliana |
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Posted on Wednesday, April 04, 2007 8:37 AM
In an answer to your question if motherhood is a choice. I would like to give my opinion and in brief. For a newly married couple the first child is not a choice. The couple can not be sure that the mother can conceive. If they are lucky (that is if they want a child) then it is happiness. If they do not prefer to have children then it is unlucky for them but they have to bear with it.
Now for the other children I believe it is planned childhood. and again it is lucky for them.
Hope I made myself clear .
Thank you for giving me the time to express my opinion
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Posted on Tuesday, April 03, 2007 11:00 AM
I respect and admire the women who consider the maternity to be a part of her nature and of hers accomplishment as woman. But I believe that it turns out to be so valuable to be a mother as being profesionista, daughter, artist, intellectually, filántropa, neighbor y/o simply woman. The women have fought to earn so much spaces in the sciences, in the arts, in the letters, in the assistance, in the work and up to in our own families. They fight to demonstrate day after day that we feel, we think and achieve the same thing that the men, that the question that me arises is ¿the maternity is a necessary condition to consider that a woman has had success in the life? I believe that not.
I am 30 years old, lawyer, love the life more than any thing in the world and everything what it means. I have many aspirations, ambitions, dreams, plans and aims that I expect to achieve some day. But it does not imply being, yet, a mother. And probably it it never manages to be.
From the infancy they send us to the school to learn that the life is full of options, of histories, of needs and in different ways of understanding the life, our life and her(it) of the others. Reason for which, as the men we have managed to develop different interests. Alone I can say: the women we have the freedom of being, of feel, what want to be. In the measurement that we us value as women, anything is which is our election, we will do that the others us value as such. Mother or not, we are women, ¿ or perhaps they stop being the nuns it? Not demerita this condition to be unfertile, nor to choose the maternity as act of love or of need. |
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Posted on Tuesday, April 03, 2007 1:27 AM
The feeling of motherhood is not a choice it is a nature that starts with girls in the early ages when they play with dolls. I have been married for 7 years and have 2 daughters and 1 boy. I was my decision when to get pregnant and when to have a baby, even I am from The Arabic people who want big families and unlike many women who give in to pressures and give birth without having a clue about what to do next. Became a mother didn’t stop my dreams I'm an assistant professor, yes it was hard in the first two years of the baby life but my husband sharing me every things in their life.
Indeed allot of women frightening getting pregnant because no one telling them about the pains of motherhood, but the strong women not the one who frightening from be a mother, the strong women who try the frightening things and sure they will like that feeling that why mothers smiling about when a new baby is born, they start feeling the love they been giving by their mothers. I believe that accept living the womanhood without implying motherhood is rejecting the nature ,because nothing make women proud more then see her kids success
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