Être Parents
Être parents est l’emploi le plus ancien et le plus important du monde et il n’y a aucune école pour vous y préparer. Vous êtes seuls avec vos propres ruses, les ouï-dire et les livres sur le sujet. Tout le monde s’attend à ce que les femmes possèdent naturellement l’instinct maternel, une capacité d’amour inconditionnel et une perspicacité naturelle pour élever des être humains heureux, responsables et en bonne santé. Mais est-ce vraiment le cas? Est-ce que le fait d’être de bons parents est une qualité innée ? Comment apprenons-nous à élever nos enfants comme il faut?
Rencontrez Polly Pagenhart, aux Etats Unis, un parent qui s’identifie comme un Papa Lesbien et qui remet en question les concepts traditionnels de maternité et de genre. Ensuite, entrez dans le monde de Francesca et Sonia, deux femmes qui expliquent fièrement qu’elles sont toutes les deux les mères génétiques de leur fils et de leur fille.
En Turquie, confrontée à la pauvreté, au chômage et à un mauvais mariage, Hayriye Ipin lutte pour élever ses enfants. Elle fréquente une école qui enseigne aux mères la façon d’être de meilleurs parents. Grâce à cette expérience, elle apprend comment être une mère aimante et comment considérer ses enfants comme une bénédiction et non comme un malédiction.
En Afrique du Sud, Sam Cowen, personnalité renommée de la radio, fait un récit ironique de la façon dont elle élève son fils Christopher et apprend à être satisfaite de son rôle de maman avec une carrière professionnelle en croyant en Dieu, en se relaxant et, en cas de doute, en se souvenant que : « Si les Américains peuvent le faire, TOUT LE MONDE peut le faire.”
Lisez les histoires de femmes du monde entier et rejoignez la conversation.
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Raising children is an enormous challenge where an array of cultural, social, economic and political factors intertwine. The way we have been brought up, whether we are working or stay at home moms, married or involved in romantic relationships, help form our ideals on how to make the new generation better than the one before.
Mothers are great artists of day-to-day life; the anonymous sculptors of new generations of women and men in the world. We invite you to share with us your adventures and transformations in this creative odyssey that is raising children.
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Posted on Thursday, June 28, 2007 5:11 AM
hi- Does anyone know of support groups in new york city for devoted step parents who lost their child through divorce and are struggling with the loss?
any help would be appreciated!
thanks+best
Ali |
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Posted on Tuesday, June 19, 2007 1:05 AM
Sam your two stories are amazing, l mean l listen to the rude awakening, love you guys and could never picture you going through all those emotions during your pregnancy. Trust me as weird as it sounds when you are a radio personality, myself and other people out there expect you to live and feel things different from others, kind of putting you on a pedestal.
Your insecurities, your ability to write about them is the most comforting thing ever to all of us, especially to me as l still have not had a child, am not sure if l will, l mean at 23 l am still so undecided.
I hope that if ever l do l will have a supporting team like yours. Trust me the way Darren, Jeremy, etc went on and on about your pregnancy till your son was born on radio is more than enough love, care and attention and every woman will die for that. |
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Posted on Monday, June 18, 2007 10:22 AM
I have always wanted to be a mother. I always thought that I would grow into the position too, but last year I met a man who had a son, and I became an instant mother. Talk about rough, I think it is still one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I skipped diapers and feedings and went straight to soccer practice and math homework. I think the only thing that saved me was the fact that he adores me. I love being a mother for him and I can only hope that I can have another child to love. I couldnt think of anything better than being a mother. Parenting is tough but well worth it.
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Posted on Sunday, June 10, 2007 11:00 PM
Whatever your income group, social structure or cultural background, one thing you will be faced with day after day as a parent is your child's curiosity. My son is constantly asking questions about everything and, especially at the end of a long and tiring day, it's very tempting just to say "because it is." But I don't do that. The questions are too important. The other day we pulled up at a traffic light where a man with one arm was begging for money. Chris looked at him and asked me why the man had only one arm. "Well my darling, maybe he had an accident or he got sick." Chris was silent for a moment and then said "Can he get a new one ?"
"I don't think so, my love."
He was silent for a minute.
"Is it sore ?"
"I hope not."
I watchede him nodding at me in the rearview mirror.
"Tomorrow, you can buy him a new one," he said with confidence. "Mummy can fix it for him."
And I wished I could. To our kids we are omnipotent. We can fix it all, mend it all, provide it all. Except I can't this time. I can't give the beggar a new arm. And the first chink in Mummy's armour has been revealed. That's going to be hard for both of us. I've vowed to be honest with him no matter what but balancing truth with emotional security is a tricky business. |
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Posted on Saturday, June 09, 2007 1:05 PM
Last year I became a mother, my son Mateo will be 1 year old the 20th of this month and even though my views on life, womenhood, myself have changed radically, I believe I can still say is an amazing experience in everyway; from recognizing the power of just being able to create such perfection and beauty. I thought that being an artist gave me in a sense that power, but now I see differently.
I also discovered that now a days motherhood is very hard if you don't have a supportive partner. I believe that this experience has thus reitereted the need to understand the need for a change in male gender roles.
Thank you-
Margarita. |
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Posted on Thursday, May 31, 2007 10:18 AM
(my comments now in english)
I find incredible stories and realities in this space. I thank you for taking a little time to share with us your perceptions and experiences.
I love to see translated into words the daily life of so many women ,like me who form part of the new world of motherhood.
In each stage we must take millions of decisions and I confess that some times it is pretty complicated to know how to make the best out of our work. I am now awaiting my second child and I feel strange to know that my life will be determined by the presence of three men. my two sons and my partner. I never saw myself amongst men, having grown up with 4 sisters.
But besides all my doubts and worries, I am quite clear on the way I want to raise my new sons, as a continuity to mi thoughts and ideals.
Living in mexico , the reckless consumerism to which we are exposed could be less or more depending in the area in which you live. I have decided to build myself a reality that that will ut me as far away as possible from so much unnecessary materialism that grows everywhere and generates so much confusion as to what is really a priority.
Not that I consider taking a radical posture that will take me away from reality, but that I restructure my posture towards something deeper and simpler.
I think that living well can be a lot easier that one would think of, and for this we need less mental noise and exterior influences.
I am sure that as mothers we have a base position in the construction of a new social thinking which is more conscious and free of the ideals of the industries of power.
Because being mothers of these new generations we have a bigger task than the previous generations, because we have brought our sons into a world in crisis, full of environmental problems, pollution and deterioration. That is why we must be prepared to confront the forthcoming years and give our sons the necessary tools that will help them face reality with a more intelligent and respectful mindset. One that will embrace the preoccupations of a more ecologically integrated and less pollutant way of life.
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Posted on Wednesday, May 30, 2007 11:15 PM
To Rachel - Sorry for the delay! I would love to share with you my experiences of being a single mother! My situation is very unique. I have been a single mother from the beginning of my pregnancy, I tried to involve my daughter's father in doctor's appointments and educate him about birth, but he was just terrible and very emotionally abusive. I felt since I had to grow up and become responsible that he had to as well, I also wanted the best for my daughter and I wanted him to be there for her after she was born despite our separation. It was through that situation that I learned you cannot make someone they are not.
Overtime he has become a big part of he life and we share her now, which she really loves and is happy with. I look to her as my gage of her happiness. So with that said, I have my personal life when she is with her dad - I work, go to school, have a relationship and try to find personal time for myself. When I have her, I am just mommy, I give her all my time and care. If something comes up my mom will watch her, and when she was younger and I had her full-time, my mom would also help out.
I have been in a relationship for 2 1/2 years, which has been challenging with a child - for all parties involved. For myself I don't find enough me time to self-actualize because they both consume a lot of time and energy, which is really positive in some ways, but also demanding in that you have to put in enough to make things function and develop in a good direction. We do not live together and have over time have begun to spend time "all" together, it requires a lot of patience and understanding of all perspectives and feelings.
As far as red flags, I guess most importantly for me after going through a pregnancy alone and creating a life for my daughter, I really wasn't willing to put up with any BS. Honesty is my number requirement, and if you can see someone is dishonest about an incident in his or her job or with a friend, then you can tell that person is not living in truth - and when you have a child you are forced to live by honesty and purity. If someone can't give you that then it is not worth your time. I think most of the time you can tell just by the way a person talks or perceives himself or others. You can see their judgment about certain things is so off because they have the inability to be realistic and see the truth.
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Posted on Wednesday, May 30, 2007 2:38 PM
I agree with Itzel that mothers of these new generations are presented with increasingly difficult challenges, new challenges in a world facing ecological chaos. Yet, I wouldn't say that today's mothers deal with more challenges or harder challenges than their mothers before them. Because it's all relative. Past and present, all parents have had their own vital and grand impact to make on their youth. And I think this is a very good thing for us to keep in mind.
We want the best for our children, and fear for them in a world that (as we're continally told) is falling apart. We want our children to be progressive thinkers, and therefore, hold ourselves accountable for instilling in them our own lofty ideals and values. But these are age old worries and desires. We will always have to protect our children from something...be it war, pollution, avian flu or scraped knees. And we will always struggle to keep them safe. In both times of conflict and times of peace.
I think about my grandmothers. One took on the trials of parenting single-handedly in Maryland while her husband fought in a war hundreds of miles away. She feared for the lives of her daughters, my mother and aunt, praying for my grandfather's safe return, hoping the world wouldn't come to an end before her children were allowed a chance to grow.
The other raised two boys, fifteen years apart, in India and around the world. Uprooted every 3-5 years by her husband, a rearcher for the WHO, she was moved from Cochin, to New York City, to Tokyo, to Sydney...forever expected to keep her family together and make sure all bellies were full. Never afforded the time to gain the education my grandfather possessed, she lived in the shadow of her husband's wisdom and success. With her husband so often at work, she feared for her sons, my dad and uncle, hoping she would be able to care for them in foriegn lands far from home and everything familiar.
Parents today face hard deciscions and challenging obstacles in a world seeming to teeter on the edge. But we should take comfort in knowing that we aren't alone. |
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Posted on Tuesday, May 29, 2007 7:14 AM
hi-
I'm a photographer. You can see the work I've been doing for my new book on motherhood on this website under my name, Ali Smith. I'm located in NYC and am hoping to find mothers and mothers to be in NYC who are open and eager to talking REALISTICALLY about motherhood and to be photographed for potential inclusion in my book. Please contact me if you feel you're interested and have strong thoughts on the matter to add. I'd really like to stay away from broad theories about motherhood and move towards personal beliefs, conflicts, sorrows, joys... The more real and personal, the more it will make a powerful impact and help others gain a true understanding of the role of mothers, the importance of mothers, the pressures put on mothers, the conflicts women do or don't face about motherhood...
thanks for this great conversation and to everyone for your touching stories.
best
ali |
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Posted on Monday, May 28, 2007 3:24 PM
Increíbles historias y realidades encuentro en este espacio. Agradezco que tomen un poco de su tiempo para compartir con nosotros sus percepciones y vivencias.
Me encanta ver traducido en letras la vida diaria de tantas mujeres que como yo, forman parte de un nuevo mundo como es el tener hijos.
Millones de dediciones tenemos que tomar a cada nueva etapa y confieso que a veces es bastante complicado saber como hacer mejor nuestra labor. Yo ahora estoy en espera de mi segundo hijo y me siento extraña en saber que mi vida estará determinada por la presencia de tres hombres: mis dos hijos y mi pareja. Nunca me visualice entre hombres, siendo que crecí rodeada de 4 hermanas.
Pero pese a todas mis dudas y preocupaciones si hay mucha claridad sobre la manera que quiero formar a mis nuevos hijos, como una continuidad a mi pensamiento e ideales. Viviendo en México el consumismo tan voraz al que estamos expuestos puede ser menos evidente dependiendo en la zona en la que vivas. Y yo he decidido construirme una realidad que se aleje lo mas posible de tanto materialismo innecesario que se reproduce por todas partes y que genera tanta confusión entre lo que es realmente prioritario.
No es que considere necesaria tomar una postura radical que nos aleje de la realidad, sino que la redimensione hacia una visión más profunda y simple. Creo que vivir bien puede ser mucho más sencillo de lo que a veces se piensa y para ello necesitamos menos ruido mental e influencias exteriores.
Estoy segura que las madres tenemos una posición básica en la construcción del nuevo pensamiento social más consciente y libre de los ideales de las industrias de poder. Porque siendo madres de estas nuevas generaciones tenemos un reto aun mayor que las generaciones pasadas, estamos trayendo a nuestros hijos a un mundo en desaparición, lleno de problemas ambientales, contaminación y deterioro, asi que tenemos que estar preparados para enfrentar los años venideros y darles a ellos las herramientas necesarias que los ayuden a sobrevivir con una nueva mentalidad mas integral y respetuosa, que retome las preocupaciones de un modo de vida ecológicamente integrado y poco contaminante.
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Posted on Monday, May 28, 2007 7:40 AM
To Franceska: Many thanks for your story! You illustrate the many ways in which 'family' is created - truly beautiful...
To All: I feel that many of the stories (and I have not read them all yet) highlight a point that I wanted to bring to the fore in my piece "Four Cycles of Single Motherhood"- that the act of parenting needs support and community to function well. AND that we must support ALL styles and choices of raising children. Many thanks for all of the writing/ stories shared here! I look forward to reading more!
Sending peace! Trust you are well!
Jennifer |
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Posted on Wednesday, May 23, 2007 12:00 PM
The stories and comments posted are all impressive. I was touched by the posting, "Can Two Women Make a Baby?" I wanted to share a little story about my experience taking a childbirth preparation class here in NYC: there were couples of all shapes and sizes in our class. People who wanted to birth at home and others who had a doula and a midwife but were headed to a birthing center. I felt that I was the most conservative of the bunch when I opted for traditional labor and delivery. One other couple had the very same idea about what they wanted and hearing them speak made me understand we had a lot in common. It was interesting that this couple was the one female same-sex couple in the class. It taught me that when it comes to labor, delivery and, often, parenting - many of the other identities we have fall into the backdrop as we share the common bonds of being mothers. It's beautiful how in touch Franceska is with the threads of motherhood that are being woven all around her. I hope it always stays with her. |
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Posted on Wednesday, May 23, 2007 11:31 AM
Great to hear from you Andrea! Yes, I love the photos on your story. Beautiful.
So, dating as a single mom!
Who watches your child so you can get some time to yourself? (My friends and I swap childcare. I also have a great Dad and sister nearby.)
Are you honest from the start that you're a single mom?
What are your red flags? (I won't consider being with a man who does drugs; or isn't divorced yet. What are your red flags?)
Best to you!
Rachel
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Posted on Tuesday, May 22, 2007 4:03 PM
To Rachael and Luz (I love your name!): I am a single mommy and oh do I have so much to share about becoming a single mother, dating and raising a child alone. You can view my story on becoming a single parent on my exhibit page, but in regards to the labyrinth of life as an independent woman dating while also being a single mom - can you ask some very specific questions? I would love to engage my mind and share openly.
As far as Luz's comment on what I call gender codification, "pink is for girls, blue is for boys," I feel that it really goes beyond parenting in many ways in regards to how and with what your child chooses to associate him or herself with. If you think about the fact that on average we are exposed to over 30,000 commercial images a day through all media including TV, advertisements, product placement in movies, gender roles in commercials, billboards, pictures on packaging of any sort - including cereal boxes, logos on food/beverages, books, magazines - the list goes on, just think about your day from beginning to end and try to imagine how you are exposed to imagery without perhaps even being aware of it.
I am a concerned mother like you in that I would really like my daughter to feel open to any possibility regardless of her gender. I strive to create comfort, confidence, curiosity and ability within her mind and character to see the world as her canvas, not as a place where comfort only resides within associations such as pink, Hello Kitty toys or Disney costumes for Halloween - it could even be the color of the cup she wants to drink out of or the design on her shirt with glitter or hearts. I strongly believe this is an issue that needs to be addressed, but is extremely hard when we as parents are underminded by large corporations who are using very invasive and aggressive tactics to lure children into the facade of their product. Ultimately building a false sense of security and confidence by being associated with it, they as children don't generally really receive anything from consuming toys and products except temporary gratification/stimulation. We are up against so many media outlets from products in the grocery store to a marketing campaign for a kid's movie. I have tried to shield my 4 year-old-daughter from this in many ways, even going so far as to requesting no clothing or gifts in the color pink for my daughter from relatives and friends. This may sound extreme to some, but try living a life where your child only wants to be associated with one color but can't even logically explain to you why.
For me it is not only about the way it is affecting her life right now, but it is the future of how her life will be shaped that is of utmost concern. As a result of media presenting a very narrow and unrealistic presentation of a woman/girls in all avenues, how will she deal with her self-image and what roles will she feel responsible to as a woman or teenager? How will she feel comfortable in her own skin when the world around her is everything she's not? I do want to respect her choices as you did for your daughter, but I do believe in removing as much as I can any possibility for a product, color or cereal box to define her life and tell her who she should be without thinking about it for herself. A child is constantly taking in information and learns from the world around as they develop, I don't want my child's character and beliefs in herself to be dictated by a higher force other than her own mind and spirit.
Here is a very resourceful link to a site that lobby’s for children rights against commercialism that is negative and inappropriate, such as marketing over sexualized dolls to little girls:
http://www.commercialfreechildhood.org/
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Posted on Monday, May 21, 2007 7:09 AM
Hello. I'm Rachel, from the Featured Story on single parents who are dating again.
This is a great discussion about what it means to be a mother.
If you're a single parent, I'd love to hear from you! Please write in.
How did you become a single parent?
Who's in your support system? Friends? Family? Grandparents?
If you're dating again -- or thinking about it --- how are you balancing the challenges of raising a healthy, happy child with the chaotic, emotionally-charged world of dating?
I look forward to hearing from you.
Best,
Rachel
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Posted on Saturday, May 19, 2007 8:43 AM
I love the pink and blue project photos by Jeong Mee Yoon. But you know i'm not sure it's really like they say-- that girls like pink because we raise them this way, adn boy like blue. i have a girl. i try to give her puzzles and science games, she wants ribbons and dress up. when she was younger, all she wanted to do was take care of her dolls.
at first i fetl bad as a mom, maybe i had failed, but these were her choices no matter what i tried, so then i just learned to go with them, let her be who she wanted to be.
do any of you moms out there face the same dilemma? |
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Posted on Thursday, May 17, 2007 10:15 PM
Jasmine, Your mother has a hard time with you because of how you were concieved, it is hard for her. As for your questions, in my opinion children are a part of our lives, but also in the beginning they are our lives because they are helpless and need to learn how to move their bodies. As for people viewing children as burdens, well I would look to their own personalities and their past. Children in a way are burdens because of all the care that is required to raise them, but a parent only needs to look at all the laughter and joy they bring to know that it is all worth it. As for making decisions about the child it should be a together decision, the parents should be partners that work together on all levels. Have more than two children doesn't prevent you from knowing your children individually, remember that a child is always growing and changing. Again the decision about how many should be decided by both parents. Congratulations on your graduation :) My only advice about children and partners is to approach it with unconditional love and to find yourself first with unconditional love for yourself, For when you stand as an individual that knows themselves and loves themselves unconditionally then you can love another. |
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Posted on Thursday, May 17, 2007 6:38 PM
As a future mother, several questions come to my mind when I think of having children. I was convinced after my mother was raped. My grandmother raised me till after she passed away, I relocated to the United States to be with my mother. My mother wa a herrible parent for the longest time, I swear there is no maternal bone in her body. Whenever I did anything she did not approve, she would remind me that "I'm messing up her plans". I could never fully understand why the woman who gave me life could not come to terms with my existence.
Now that I'm in my early 20s and I'm beginning to think about motherhood. I ask myself these questions
1. Are children suppose to be a part of our life or they do they become our life?
2. Why do some people view having children as being burdens?
3. Which parent should make the most decision about their child? Mother or father?
4. Does having more than 2 children prevents you from creating time to know each of your children individually.
5. Which parent should decide about how many children should be born?
I have worked so hard to overcome a lot of negativity. I'm graduting University in 48 hours and heading straight to graduate school. My education is extremely important to me and until I complete it, I will not have any child. The issue I sometimes wonder about is.... how do you know you are ready to become a parent? |
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Posted on Thursday, May 17, 2007 2:39 PM
I am not a mother and I do not plan to be one for a very long time. But I know one thing for sure: motherhood will never just happen to me. Motherhood is going to be something that I will consciously decide on, plan, organize and execute. Like a petty bureaucrat I will study meticulously all my variables, pie charts and graphs, I will consult accountants, sociologists, neurologists and traveling agents, I will select the perfect husband, perfect schools and perfect country to raise my children in.
Yes, all this must sound terribly mechanical and unromantic, but I really do not believe that motherhood is romantic. Giving birth is not romantic; working hard so that you can clothe and feed your children is not romantic; worrying and suffering all the time over your children’s desires, dreams, and daily frustrations is not romantic. Because child’s scraped knee, bloody nose, breakup and disappointment is always more painful for the mother than the child herself.
Romantic is not a word I would use in relation to parenting and children. But magic is. Children are magical, like unicorns they come from an enchanted place and make your ordinary life more meaningful, surprising and rich. They come from you: they might look like you but they might also resemble a distant and little-liked grandparent; they might think like you but they might also be your most outspoken denouncers; they might follow your footsteps or hotheadedly part ways. But they will always be yours and you theirs and your lives a fairy-tale. And like with all fairy-tales, there will be obstacles to overcome, evil spirits to fight, witches to ward off, but also a happy ending to rejoice in.
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Posted on Thursday, May 17, 2007 12:05 PM
I never suspected how being a mother would change not only your life but your deeper beliefs about what it means to live and to exist. It fosters an intense reconstruction of your inner self and your life as a whole because your decisions are now based on more factors than ever. You are the giver and teacher of life for a new being. You are the conductor of a new orchestra in which your ideas and decisions create music for a new show.
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