I was a fat child, and that association with being fat from a very early age will always be a burden and something that I will have to deal with. I will never be free of my struggle with food. For the rest of my life, I have to accept that I will face the daily challenge of making healthy food choices.

I've always tried to live a healthy life. Even at my heaviest, when I was really big, I hired a personal trainer and worked out on the treadmill. I had to walk really slowly and eventually I reached a point when even that was hard for me. For me, being that big was an awful place to be in. I couldn't use the bathroom and wipe myself without getting a cramp. I couldn't tie my shoes without my ribs hurting. Even standing became an ordeal for me: I had to shift my weight every five seconds because of the immense pressure on my back. I was in chronic pain. Spirit-wise, health-wise, and emotionally I was so unhappy at that weight; everything was exhausting.

I knew that if I wanted to continue living, and if I wanted to be happy, I had to make a change. For me that change was to undergo the gastric bypass surgery. I didn't have the surgery so that I would love my body-I had the surgery to save my life, to prolong it, get healthy, and enjoy all the perks that came from being a more normal size. Through the process I never questioned who I was as a person; I just didn't like my body. I hated it.

I went from a life of pain-physically and emotionally-to a life of freedom. I really underwent a dramatic change. It was fabulous; and so much fun! I don't remember ever having felt as sexy or attractive as I did after the surgery.

After I lost weight, I felt energetic and youthful, like I was floating on air. I could do anything I wanted to. I felt really good about my body; I felt accomplished. But as wonderful as that was, I still didn't know how to address my feelings towards the change I had undergone. I was always comfortable being me and I loved myself, but my body? I didn't know how to love my body.

Shortly after that, I  became the icon of the surgery and I stood as an example of how to lose such a large amount of weight. It became too much. I started to feel responsible for every person struggling with their weight. I couldn't deal with it. I got really scared and began to think "Oh my God, now what? I've lost all this weight and now what?" So I started to drink. Before my surgery I used food to cover up my feelings, but after my surgery that wasn't an option; now, I used alcohol.

I drank a lot vodka and wine and eventually my weight crept up on me. It started with ten pounds a year for a couple of years, which put me at 20 pounds over my ideal weight. It was very easy for me to become an alcoholic because I have those tendencies as well as being susceptible to addiction in general. I drank more and more to cover up a lot of the new emotions I was experiencing; I didn't know how to handle my new body and the new life it gave me. I was sabotaging something that was really going great for me.

Luckily for me, I became sober two weeks before I discovered I was pregnant. My pregnancy posed another weight challenge for me. I was already above my ideal weight. By the time I had my baby I had gained a total of 90 pounds. It was a very difficult time for me; I didn't want to gain that weight, but I had to respond to my body's needs. It was no longer about me or anyone else, it was about what my body told me it needed and wanted. Eventually I had to stop exercising, and I soon realized if my body was craving a scone, I had to have it! I had to fulfill my body's needs. 

I joined Celebrity Fit Club because not only did I want to get healthy, but I also wanted to show people the reality of gastric bypass surgery. It was not a miracle pill and it wasn't a cure for my disease, obesity. Instead, it's a tool, and if I don't use that tool everyday, I will gain weight.

My struggle with weight has taught me several things, and today that's what I try to impress upon other women. My weight has shown me how important it is to open my eyes to what is real and healthy for me and my body type. I can't control how anybody else feels about me or my body. I have to be proud of me. I know who I am: I am a loving person with good morals and values and a giving heart. That is what matters to me, not my body, not how much I weigh or how I look. What we put out is what we're going to get back. So if we say we're ugly or fat or gross, that is how we're going to feel about ourselves. Instead, we need to embrace our bodies and our womanhood and really treasure ourselves as spectacular creatures that can create life within ourselves.

I think it's a wonderful and beautiful thing that women come in all different shapes, sizes, colors, personalities, and cultures. Ultimately, we are all human beings. We need each other in order to survive this world. I just wish people would be more giving.