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So Close
Tertia Albertyn
South AfricaGALLERYCONVERSATION
Brave? I don’t know. Stubborn? Maybe. Determined? Probably. As terrifying as it is to go through yet another fertility...
I can feel myself getting more and more insular, more obsessed. I can think of nothing else. The yearning for a child is consuming me; it is all I do, all I think about. Suddenly the big world outside is fraught with potential for hurt – pregnant women and babies are everywhere, all daily reminders of my failing.
The only time I feel even remotely happy is when I'm on the Internet, winding my way through the cyber world. I find solace and information in the computer. I spend hours online, searching, researching, looking for stories, miracles or miracle cures, for stories of hope and inspiration. Infertility bulletin boards are the coffee shops of cyber space. It's a place where you can hang out with like-minded people, people in the same boat as you. These people get where you're at.
My dad urges me, gently, to see a psychologist. But what use is talking? Talking won’t change reality. I’ll walk into the appointment barren, I’ll leave barren. What's the point? I don’t want to see anyone; in fact, I don’t want to leave my house. I want to stay inside and never come out.
An epidural is administered, then I lie down. My husband Marko is standing near. This is it. My baby is about to be born. Instead of excitement, there is fear in the air. This is not how it should be.
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